The Duchess and her jam: and other sleb food-based enterprises

by | Apr 18, 2024 | Drinks, Opinion

News reaches us via Stuff that the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, is about to start flogging jars of jam as part of her as yet unrealised lifestyle empire. We know this because various friends of Meghan have been posting pics on their social media accounts. The jars, from her American Riviera Orchard range, have a rustic looking piece of muslin wrapped around the top, and have been hand numbered as a batch of fifty. From what we can tell, the packaging looks all twee and artisanal as if your grandmother had whipped up some jam on her eight burner Aga, using the last of the strawberry glut she plucked from her 200 acre farm in the British countryside. And if your grandmother was quite good at whipping up labels in Adobe. Not your grandmother, you say? Tough bickies, pleb.

Naturally, when we heard the news we raced out to our letterbox to check if The Feed’s jar had arrived. Reader, it had not. So we checked again. And again. We just checked again. Still nothing. Looks like it will be canola oil on white toast for breakfast. Again.

The Daily Mail (who hate Meghan Markle almost as much as they hate refugees, but not at all in a weird, obsessive, or racist way) take great pleasure in pointing out that, to date, only three of the fifty minor slebs who presumably were recipients of the free jam have as yet posted anything. The implication being, that said slebs are too embarrassed to embroil themselves in this latest money spinner from the ever hard-up Sussexes.

Delfina Blaquier, wife of Argentinian polo player and Harry pal Nacho Figueras, displayed Meghan’s jam on social media on Tuesday.

Well, whatever. I’m sure the jam is very tasty and at least Meghan isn’t making millions off land that rightfully belongs to the public like her father-in-law, or profiting from the assets of dead citizens, or, well at least she isn’t Prince Andrew, eh?

We here at The Feed love a celebrity food range as much as the next person, so here are some classics from down the years:

Paul Newman: Salad Dressings

Newman’s salad dressings are surely the undisputed champions of the celebrity food circuit. They are in supermarkets all over the world. They taste perfectly ok although you could prbably make a better one yourself in five minutes. Newman claims to have whipped up the recipes in his kitchen. Sure. Why not? 100% of profits go to charity which equates to $560,000,000 if you believe the website so who is quibbling?

And if you take nothing else from this article you can at least watch this scene from Cool Hand Luke, where an impossibly handsome and half naked Newman plays the guitar while claiming he can eat fifty eggs (spoiler alert: he can.)


Snoop Dogg: Momma Snoop breakfast foods

Not content with a long and storied hiphop carreer, movie and tv appearances, a wine brand, and a gin, the cultural behemoth that is Snoop Dogg had also released a line of breakfast foods inspired by the star’s own mother’s recipes. They include Momma Snoop Pancake Mix, Momma Snoop Oatmeal, Momma Snoop Grits, Momma Snoop Maple Syrup, and Momma Snoop Honey Almond Granola.

Have we tried any of these? No. Do we want to? Not really. Are we pleased they exist? Absolutely.

Graham Norton, Sarah Jessica Parker: Invivo Wines

Irish comedian Norton and Sex and the City star Parker have been very successful in flogging their range of plonk made byNew Zealand producer Invivo. The company’s website features Norton’s own Marlborough SauviGNon Blanc, New Zealand Rosé, South Australian Shiraz, Argentinian Malbec, Italian Prosecco, a South African Sauvignon Blanc, three GiNs and a Vodka.

That’s a lot of booze.

Parker thus far has a French rosè and a Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc. Credit to Invivo for doing whatever it takes to flog their wines to an ever-shrinking global market.

Oh, are they any good? I tried Norton’s Sauvignon Blanc once and thought it was pretty okay if that’s what you like.

Various celebrities: booze

The call of premium booze seems irresistable to a certain kind of male celebrity. Here’s Ryan Reynold’s gin (very good), George Clooney’s tequila (pretty good), Dwayne Johnson’s tequila (excellent), Jon Bon Jovi’s wine (no idea but propably better than Norton’s)… the list goes on.

Back in a previous life I was running a bar in London. One night Jay-Z and Beyonce booked out the basement for a party. Jay-Z (and his security detail and entourage) turned up with a bottle D’ussé Cognac of which he had recently taken a controlling stake unbeknownst to me. I tried several times to convince him to drink what I considered to be much better brandies from the bar’s own collection. He refused politelty and then less politely and then I gave up. There’s no helping some billionaires.

Jay-Z later sold his share of the brand for an alleged $750,000,000.

About the Author

David Wrigley

David is a writer and musician from Kemureti/ Cambridge. He has been published in Noble Rot, Nourish Magazine, Turbine|Kapohau, New Zealand Poetry Yearbook, and is currently working on his first novel. He has done his time in restaurants in Aotearoa and the UK. Oh, yes. He has done his time.

Related Posts